Monday, 5 December 2011

The Debt We Owe To Victorious Kwon

Another interruption to my Miracle hunt project, but a distraction is as good as a rest! This is another story written for adults to read to children. It's about a Tae Kwon Do training exercise and it began its gestation when I began teaching these techniques to children. The more gruesome the story attached the more they understood and enjoyed the exercise. I tried the same approach with adults and it also works. It was just verbal fun until our 2010 TAGB West of England Summer Camp, when we were asked to write a ghost story, and I put Kwon on the page. I think if he had a Facebook page he would have more friends than me very quickly, so for reasons of professional jealousy he is currently banned. 








Winner of the prestigious Best Bonkers Ghost Story TAGB Summer Camp 2010

The Debt We Owe To Victorious Kwon

Kwon wasn’t like the other ducks.
He was 18 feet tall, his kneecaps were made of steel and on the end of each wing he had a fist.
He wasn’t the sort of duck you would want to meet on a dark night or even in a nice park on a sunny day.
The park he lived in wasn’t like other parks.
It had a magic river which was made of anything you fancied drinking; hot chocolate, mocha-chocca-chino, plum brandy. It had a magic tree, which would grow anything you fancied eating; strawberry ice cream, a fried egg sandwich, sea slug surprise. 
A place like that was hard to keep secret, especially when it was located at the centre of four evil roads.
To the North lived the Snow Vampires, who would drink your blood just to keep warm and skin your cat to make gloves.
To the East lived the Ninja Trolls who were both ugly and invisible and would sneak into your bedroom and beat you flat with secret ninja weapons so in the morning you looked like a red puddle.
To the South lived the Dragon Badgers; ordinary dragons who just smelt a bit like badgers. They would still burn you, breathing flames till you went all crunchy and definitely dead.
To the West lived the Cowboy Werewolves who wore really cool boots and hats but don’t be fooled. They would run at you with slavering fangs and shred you with their teeth like minced meat and all your insides would fall out and ruin the carpet.
They all wanted the park for themselves and none of them were very much fun to share a park with.
A state of emergency was declared, all the children sent home, all the ducks hid… except one.
It was Kwon of course. He was a scary duck but the monster he faced were in scientifically proven fact much scarier than even the scariest duck. So Kwon was scared, but he was also brave and a little bit clever.
He grabbed his mobile phone; another advantage of having an opposable thumb; and called up the leaders of these hideous tribes and told them all that their roads would be closing at midnight on Friday 13th of the darkest moonless month, and wondered what they might like to do about that. 
At the appointed hour, the courageous duck stood trembling, but ready.
He had been training.
So when the Head Snow Vampire came gliding, glowing pale and oozing evil from long yellow teeth, at superfast speeds, Kwon waited till he was within one wing span and stepped forward, sending his mighty right fist out, right through the blood sucking incisors, ripping out the teeth from the very roots and leaving a fist shaped hole through the Vampire’s head.
Kwon’s fist was dripping with pulverised vampire brain matter but he had no time to panic; to the West of him came running the Leader of the Pack of the Cowboy Werewolves, with the spurs on his clanking great leather boots sparking and carving a deep trench in the road, with drool splatting and a deep dangerous growl and pounced at the duck, who simply turned to face him, stepping his right foot back and blocking the pounce, stepping forward with another amazing punch, squashing the Werewolf’s nose so flat he looked more like a bulldog and his eyes popped out and he couldn’t breath and his lungs exploded and red frothy foam shot out of his ears.
Now Kwon was covered in sloppy lumps of werewolf lung but he had no time to panic. The Grand High Empress of the Dragon Badgers was flying, at approximately a mid section level, from the South, her green eyes glowing and her hot breath flaming ready to turn Kwon into Crispy Duck; roasted alive just the way she liked it, his skin all crunchy and his heart still beating and his liver medium rare; waving an iron spiked kebab stick to skewer him on so as not to get duck blood on her newly polished nails. Kwon spun and blocked the kebab stick, stepping his right foot back, then stepping forward again with a third amazing punch. His hand shot up her nostril, he grabbed hold of her brain and he pulled it out, sliding the greasy blob on a tide of dragon snot.
Now Kwon was all shiney with globules of bloodshot bogies, but he had no time to panic. The Chief Ninja Troll was stealthily stalking towards him, unseen, unspeakably ugly, intent on slicing Kwon’s head from his body; in he came from the East with a flying upside down ninja troll kick. Kwon felt the air move and turned to block his final foe just in time. Before the troll could chamber up another attack the mighty duck stepped his right foot forward and shot out his fourth astounding punch which caught the troll full pelt in the chest causing his heart to ricochet around his ribs and bounce out through his belly button, popping his guts and leaving Kwon victorious but dripping with partially digested troll food.
Unfortunately this was poisonous and Kwon died in agony but to this day we remember his bravery and in English we call it Four Directional Punch.

Footnotes:
Without leaders the rest of the hideous tribes also conveniently died.
There are some accounts that Kwon in fact stepped with his left foot and punched with his left fist, so to avoid silly arguments and be ready for evil from any angle we practice Four Directional punch both ways.

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